Scared to Lose
June 11, 2020
Here am I on the heels of another broken relationship, and I can’t help but think “When is it enough?” All the failed first dates, the douchebag answers on these apps, it’s all too much. Problem is this time, is that I had a good one, like a REALLY good one, and he wanted to be a part of my world and he wanted me to be a part of his, and this was his downfall, he wanted me which is something I couldn’t give.
I’m sure you’re asking “Why did you go on an app and ask for a relationship if you can’t devote yourself to one?” A question I’ve asked myself a million times with guys who say the same thing. The answer is that I thought I could. I thought I could until it started to get real, until I knew that this guy could be long-term, could be marriage material and then the fears and anxieties begin of getting that close to someone again.
Without going into all the details of my backstory, my ex-husband died suddenly in 2017; I met him the day after I arrived in the US in 2003 and we had simple relationship that was just easy. We had our good times and bad but overall we were in love with each other. We had a 10 year relationship, and after that relationship was over, we had a 4 year best friendship, and at the time of his death we were reconciling. His last words to me in person were “I just want my wife back”, mine to him were “I just want my husband back”. He was my person, my best friend, my man, my everything. His death has left me empty, devastated, angry, and lost. You’d think after 3 years the pain and emptiness would have sub-sided but it hasn’t, not really, I manage it better now than I used to, but how can I stop being in love with a dead man?
It’s not like I don’t want to move on, find happiness or be loved, I want all those things, but I also don’t want to lose another person. I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life and in my family, because of this finding the courage to let people in is a difficulty for me, and because of this I find myself constantly hurting great guys. All they want to do is love me and I can’t allow that, because if I do then that means I have to leave my husband in the past.
This feeling leaves me angry at myself because when it is enough that I can let go & move forward? When will I stop feeling this sense of guilt if I do? When can I stop being fucked up over this, and feel good that someone wants me to meet their friends, parents, siblings (which is a perfectly normal thing to ask of someone when in a relationship) instead of feeling petrified that I have to let go of a piece of my heart in order to do that. I don’t know where to even begin answering those questions, but I do know that I need to figure it out because I deserve love…I think.
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